I don't care
...this means I do care and what the heck... 'this whole thing's affecting me so much... that I can't let it be seen'. At least this is what this phrase boils down to where I am concerned. When my elder sis in her adolescent days hated being addressed as 'akka' (sister in Tulu language) and avoided walking with me to school... I angrily retorted 'i don't care' but deep within I was shattered... I didn't see what was the harm in me calling her akka when I had done so for years together... Today I know it was just a phase... and for that matter stubborn that I was I never stopped addressing her thus...
Ya. When I flunked my oh-so-crucial HSc exam... I said the same phrase to myself and the world... and yes everyone had a word of consolation... but trust me... I felt numb with disbelief... With this time-tested formula I have managed to fool myself almost everyday... It works well...
My defence mechanism and I am sure that of many others has helped me put a brave front till now... and trust me I find no harm in this hypocritical cowardice... because its preferable anyday to the truly indifferent attitude that many people have today...
Strangely, we don't care about this that we say we do care about. I shamelessly agree that I take for granted a lot of tiny blessings and huge ones that have been showered upon me... I yap about my family and friends and loved ones... but I have forgotten to care... and for what? in my mad pursuit of happiness... selfish happiness...
Now that the skin-shedding is happening... I feel like I had scalded inners... I was mean because I wanted to possess all that I didnt have and in the process I was ignoring (and also disowning) all that I had...
I saw a little boy grin widely in spite of half a dozen teeth missing... and I wanted to be him... I wanted to smile now and not wait for that kodak moment. Now I truly don't care about my ego pursuits...
posted by dusky hues @ 10:02 PM
4 Comments:
I dont care...words spoken by many...unspoken but echoed by many...for many it could be a belief..for others it could be a way of life....
Used by me ..many a times...most of the times to derive some comfort..maybe i should say consolatic comfort..to the rebellious me.....but then i guess i was always a "Rebel without a cause"...huuh!!!dammm...
I remember little Jane..when she was seven...jane was always told what to do...it used to rain...and she would be out there playing in the rain...she would jump right into the pool of water ...some would call it slush..but for jane it used to be pure fun...she would be all wet and and her little white frock would have turned brown.....she loved every moment of it....mama would come screaming out..and say..."Get in ..you are gonna fall sick"... but little jane wouldnt budge...she would say i dont care....
when i look back i think jane was a rebel too...but with a difference...she had a cause...and that cause.. was pure unselfish fun...i guess it was pure bliss..."I dont care" was her ticket to unlimited fun....
well i miss jane...but we are still connected....when i say i dont care...
i always want to believe that these words are my ticket to unlimited fun...but its never the case...i guess there is a sense of refuge i take when i say these words....its quite a paradox at times to actually say something...and not believe in it...i dont know...a crazy sense of dichotomy of existence....
ooops the wise man is right next to me staring hard at me....and he says "I CARE"...
ok...he is gotta another piece of advice to me...he says..."dude you are occupying a lot of space out here...so get out...and leave her alone...
ok iam leaving...i better run...
Chow...and hey take care!
ya.. i think Jane got it right... the true meaning of I dont care - the freedom that it is supposed to give... ya i think as children you are untouched by worldly ways and thus uncomplicated... so when a child says I dont care... it means it doesn't... children don't think otherwise...
for the rest of us unfortunate folks - this phrase works as a first aid... its a kind of insulation because we can't handle the rude jerks and shocks life offers...
and because we want to put a brave face... i thought its courageous to be ourselves but we are taught things differently...
and yes... thats what we call as 'growing' up...
i think this space doesn't belong to me alone (does it? u better say 'yes' or else...) i think what we write runs beyond the post...
please tell the wise man that this space is meant for a good conversation/argument and that sometimes we need to have long sessions...
:-)
why are u not posting anything? i will try bribing the wise man to write ... if u dont oblige...
chow... take care
well iam writing ...dont you think so....maybe not at "IP" space though...
I guess intellective..ps...is on full throtlle....and its moving on
and ....i say "Yes"...........and yeah...the conversations have been interesting says the wise man..he quite enjoys it though.
hey this is cool stuff
Chow
how do u have an answer always?
must give the credit to the wise man...
thank god the wise man is convinced...
chow...
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